Miss me?

no flair for writing

fingers hovered over this keyboard for a good 45 seconds before I started typing.backspace.type.delete.type. 

ugh.

Searched for a fleet foxes playlist on Spotify n' got indie gospel songs 

Is this you, God? 

God.

Is who I am now, at this present moment, 

Who you had in mind when you were writing my story? 

I feel myself covered in wet clay

I claw at my face and my breasts 

Skin is exposed, yes

Only to have my potter put slabs on me to cover the parts I ached to reveal 

In the morning I wake to terrible sunrise 

Here we go again 

 

I don't want to be awake.

I find solace in my dreams -as wacky as they can be- 

In my dreams I am someone I can never be in reality 

I am someone better. 

To future Amelia

Hey.. It's been quite awhile since I've last posted here.. or anywhere else private for that matter. Needed to get this out and thought I might as well just write a 'comfort' letter to myself lest I don't make the cut. What cut? Okay so it starts with me getting the conditional offer from Glasgow. Yes I've been offered a place in Glasgow Vet school which will only be confirmed if I achieve A grades in Chemistry, Biology and Math. This is the part that kills me because I honestly feel that I will not get an A in Chem and Math. I'm not even being pessimistic about it.. I'm being realistic aren't I? You know when you aced it and when you're somewhere between acing it and messing it up. I'm in those grey areas for Chem and Math. I even counted the marks I would get (I don't know how method marks would be given so I gave myself a few mercy marks) and I got less than 70. I can't lie to myself when the numbers already show that I'm short of an A. And for chem.. well.. I don't think its worthy of an A. Which kills me because I would be satisfied with a B for those subjects bc an ABB is pretty good and it'll get me into a 'good' course in a local U. But I now have to get an AAA to secure my place in Glasgow. So, if a miracle doesn't take place. I'll probably be really crushed but I'd already expected the worst. This is what I have to say to future Amelia who didn't make the cut.

Hey future Amelia,
what a ride. From drafting your personal statement to the countless uni talks and seminars you've been to. To the interviews and getting your conditional offer and failing to meet the cut.. I just want you to know that this isn't the end. Sure, you can't go to vet school in the UK now but there's still Aus in 2016. I know what bothers you is the heavy cost of vet school in aus. Just talk it out with dad and.. see where that goes. Don't feel like you're lost, you've gone so far already. Most people don't even get interview offers. Be glad for the opportunities you've been given and lean on God for answers and direction. There is no point moping over your grades, you know you've done your best for the papers last year right? Good. So then there is no room for regret. You didn't meet the cut bc of how you performed on the day itself. Sometimes we prepare so much for something but end up not performing up to standard on the day itself. Rmb when you actually made a wrong turn during your ballet exam? Even when you've never had that mistake before? The thing that most girls would worry about is whether she'd get the double pirouettes right and there you are making the wrong turn lol. Or during your driving test? When you actually mounted the kerb? You have NEVER mounted the kerb before and you did it at the directional change which you always got right. The point is.. we always practise the tough questions and brush up on the weaker topics but what seems to get you are mostly the things you didn't THINK you'd make an error in. You have no control over that. So please just let it go. Do the things you CAN do as for now. Continue working, gain experience and start planning your next step. Will it be a gap year then speech pathology/vet in 2016? Or a local U in 2015? Sit down and ask yourself what you really want and whether its practical. You will go places, Amelia. Don't settle for a random degree and a random job you have no interest in. Do what you love and make sure you can put bread on the table with that job. I love you, always. So does daddy God and earth Mom and Dad. And honey. And your closest friends.
Stay strong,
Present Amelia

Ok

Cried so much today I hope I don't wake up with puffy eyes tmr. I failed my driving test bc I mounted the kerb quite early on in the test and I have never mounted the kerb while doing directional change before so that was a shocker. 200 bucks gone like that. I'm gonna try again after A levels.. I did everything well during the warm up and I just had to screw it up during the actual test. Idk why I started thinking about other things like how my mom would keep saying things like "Joyce (cousin) so smart hor her parents don't have to worry about her." "I can see from lanjia's eyes that she's very intelligent" "oh she definitely can pass her driving test one" nothing to be sad about I totally after with what she says but idk why I feel so inadequate and lousy. I don't want to feel this way.. On the way home I just kept thinking about how I was as a person compared to everyone else I knew. Am I smart? Nope. Am I hardworking then? Not as much as others. Do I have a talent to make up for my lack of brains? I'm an ok dancer an ok singer so not really. Do I have an attractive personality? To a few maybe? I'm not a human magnet people don't get drawn towards me. And then I thought of what I would prolly hear from church "You're a daughter of the most high" but then there're girls who're active members of the church, they lead worship and have stellar grades in school and play sports well. 

This is a very unnecessary, lousy post ranting about how undeserving I feel. I'm such an ok person filled with so many extraordinary dreams I now am certain I can never turn into reality. I always fall short of my goals in life. Psle, o levels, school choices.. I always settle for 2/3 best. What's to say for my A levels and uni applications lol. 

This is also why I can envision myself being single for a very very long time. Who'd love a girl who doesn't even love herself. 

Hello? Anyone?

Deactivating the twitter account and immediately regretting my rash decision. 

Finding myself to be sort of like a white flag in a game of tug of war. Tethered to both ends.. Praising myself for taking the first step in cutting myself off from social media and blaming myself for doing so because now my friends get sporadic.. Spontaneous news about my life/ my thoughts/ my blunders. News that pretty much demands no concern/reply. So why then am I feeling like I'm being ignored ha.. Midnight feels, I reckon. Funny how when I tweet things instead and don't get a reply it still makes me feel heard and noticed, at least, bc no one is supposed to reply you unless you said sth of interest to someone else or if you're.. Idk someone popz (getting into the habit of cliché high school terminologies. So inapropro) like Jenn Im or Morgan Freeman. Does he have twitter? Idk but I hope so haha. This is a shit reflection-ish what I think about life at midnight on my bed with undone homework for tmr-ish post I shan't continue.

"Don't think of life as a fixed train track. Think of it as a blank canvas and you're the artist" - Go figure *inserts wink emoji*

Amaze balls. What a mere quote can bring across compared to the aimless writing of a serious procrastinator that is me.. Y'know what no it's just complex numbers. I will not enjoy tmr's math tutorial. 

Week 0

It all starts tmr. MYCTs and the preparation for uni application + As + volunteering work etc. Prayed to God just now fr the week and suddenly had multiple flashbacks to when I was living in Cck and everything was about mommy rohana. Walking around her coffin during her funeral, trying on the wigs she had and fake breast pads she had cos she lost her hair due to chemo and had a mastectomy. And then I started crying, wondering how different life would be if she were still around. If I hadn't ever met mommy Winnie. Sigh idk why this just came to me.. Hopefully I still rmb all my bio tmr. I honestly did my best already. 

Clubbing

First off I'd like to make clear that I have never been to a club before, neither have I gotten drunk. I've only ever had wine over food when it was appropriate and I stopped drinking once I started to feel a little woozy. So if you think that whatever I'm gg to say later on is bunk because I have never clubbed before and therefore make miscontrued statements, you have every right to feel that way. 

I also got nothing against people wanting to have fun and dance their night away. The act I have a problem with though is when people INTENTIONALLY want to get drunk and wasted. And when clubbing becomes a lifestyle. 

For the rest of this post, whenever I mention 'club', it'd mean the person clubs frequently and drinks past his limit almost or if not all the time. 

Now that I've set some ground rules I'd go about listing a few common 'benefits' or 'reasons' for clubbing that I have come across and why I do not entirely agree with them. 

1. We should club because it's the peak of our youth (live young wild and free)

Why would you define your youth with your clubbing days? I'm the kind to turn the tables on people and ask them then do they mean that if one hasn't clubbed while he was a young adult, he hasn't truly enjoyed his youth? I'm honestly having problems finding the right words to make myself sound convincing right now. I don't mean to say that as young adults we should all aspire to run for presidency/be a millionaire/climb mt Everest. But I surely wouldn't look back on my youth, think about the strangers I drank shots with, the random guy I went home with and feel proud of myself. If clubbing is truly fun for you and if you enjoy dancing to loud blasting music/challenging yourself to take in more alcohol/spending your entire night away from home with your 'homies' so much you think you'd shrivel up and die without clubbing then by all means continue! If being under the influence of alcohol is your only way of feeling alive. But for the rest of us who are thinking of gg to a club or have been pressurized by your friends into going too many times in a week, don't tell yourself it's something you OUGHT to do because it's a symbolism of your youth. You are worth more than that. I assure you the world has far more greater, more enjoyable things for a teen/young adult to get involved in. 

2. Clubbing lets you expand your social circle. 

Oh yes definitely. Think about all the fresh faces you saw that night, the new followers you got on instagram and the subsequent invites to parties you got from the bunch of guys you met the previous time at the club. You suddenly feel like you know so many more people and it's exhilarating knowing that you're known to so many others. But how much do you actually know about them? When the loud music fades away, when your mind is sober and the fancy clothing comes off (not literally) are you still able to hold a decent conversation with them? -I'm imagining clubbers yelling YES at me lol- 

Meeting new friends and forging stronger relationships is a common desire. And it is important, there is no way I could live life without the support of my friends. However, I have to disagree with those who claim that it is the best or easiest way to gain new acquaintances because "alcohol is a social lubricant". You may have been more open towards a stranger under the influence of alcohol but I highly doubt that a true friendship would be able to blossom from that first encounter. I even have friends who felt that it was weird for certain guys they met at the club to invite them for a meal (not at the club). I am totally going off tangent here but my last take on this is that if your potential 'friends' are not receptive towards you because you decide not to go clubbing with them too often or if they call you a spoil-sport then good riddance you don't need such friends. For instance, I have close friends who club (more than I think they should unfortunately) and they know that I am not fond of it so they never ask me out for their late night adventures but we still remain close friends. They respect my decision and I am extremely grateful for that. I am learning to respect their choices too but I am really REALLY finding it hard to. Okay I've branched out from single point so much I don't even know where I'm headed towards anymore. Guess that's why they say the female brain is like speghetti. 

That's it. Peachy, I only got 2 points out. I could've sworn I was filled with so much to say earlier on. Oh yes I was gonna talk about why I don't like clubbing. I can't promise I won't visit one in the future just to see how it's like but I am dead on me never EVER being a serial clubber. 

I don't like the music they play there. My classmate was playing some house/techno music from his phone in class and I had a headache just listening to it for awhile. I also YouTubed club music and I am not fond of it. At clubs, people love to dance to the music and just let loose. Believe me, I love dancing but to music I actually like listening to. Think NON-REMIXED Christina Milan AM-PM / J.Lo's Get it Right etc. I know I have told people that I dislike loud music because you can't talk to the person beside you without shouting your head off but it depends on what kinda music it is and where it's being played. If it was at a concert (I would have to like the singer/band) and people generally just had to be in the moment and enjoy the song I have no qualms about it. 

I do not enjoy jugging beer and taking gulps of alcoholic drinks even if it's a form of forfeit for a game. Reason being IT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD. This is subjective though I'm sure there are people who enjoy the taste of strong alcohol rushing down their throats. I'm not the sort of person who would drink something that didn't taste good jus for the sake of it. I like the taste of wine when I'm sipping on it in between bites during a meal. I esp like it when it's cold because it warms your body. That's about it. 

I detest the feeling of not being in control of your own body. I guess I will never be able to understand the joy of losing control of your mind and soul to intoxication. I feel that I can still have fun, speak honest words and be sane at the same time. Seriously though what's so cool about getting drunk and wasted?? The sight of people vomiting all over would make me so sick. Why is it that some people speak about themselves getting drunk like they've achieved a milestone in life? 

I don't want to spend my night away partying. I don't want to be at a club between 10pm to 4am the next day and go home feeling like the walking dead. I want to be able to wake up the next MORNING not feeling like I got whacked in the head. I want to wake up the next day and have breakfast with my parents and talk to them about the week's happenings. Lastly, call me a stereotypical person, but I have a bad feeling about the kind of guys you would meet at a club. Because c'mon. A bulk of them would be there to get fresh with a girl if she's easy. And guys like that are not people I would feel comfortable being friends with. If they think they can just chat you up after one night or if they think that they like you after seeing you all dolled up, I don't think it's something to gush about. No they may not be shallow, but if that's the way they "hunt for prey" then step right into stranger zone gentlemen. 

I stand firm on my beliefs. I know I've been called overly sagacious and I admit I have a weakness of always trying to push my opinions onto others thinking I'm always right. I have made a conscious effort to not impose my views on my friends which is also why I'm writing this here instead of sitting all my friends who club down and start nagging at them. I would very much prefer an evening sipping on a blue lagoon with friends at a bar, a live jazz band, funny conversations than hitting the club. And if you're still bent on clubbing then.. to each his own. 

I'm not all that great

Wish I could take it all back. 

Everything about me wanting to get into vet school. Nothing has changed, vet school is still something that I'll work towards. Problem is I've only just realised how tough it is to even get an offer. Sure, there's always Melbourne (they don't look at actual grades) but it's gonna take a toil on my family's finances big time. 

Everyone now expects me to make it. Why did I speak with such certainty?

Pride on my tongue

Waist deep in mindless ambition 

Post title

5 weeks of vacation while everyone else buried their heads into books and pw (pw yuck glad that's over) was fun while it lasted. Spent most of my days greeting my family morning in the afternoons and watching friends (yes from S1E1 and no I didn't watch all 10 seasons) Got a few jokes this time around, was wondering how I had responded to jokes/puns pertaining to 'mature' content back then I  can't imagine the misunderstandings I must've had about sex or.. Just sex in general. 

I digress..

Anticipating 2014. I can picture myself getting fired up for academics during the first week at school I'm just hoping it wouldn't wear off till nov. If there's a word to sum up exactly how one should study in JC it's consistency. No doubt about that, cost me a year to actually put it into action. Come next year I'll be back onto riding on the strangeness that is having to ascribe to a schedule. Can't wait.. Can't wait. 

Saw a post on fb about a stray who had a huge wound on his skull which was infested with a thousand maggots. I found myself cringing slightly to the visuals. Felt like a bad omen.. Vets can't be chickened out like that. Still I choose to believe that all fear can be overcomed. 

Wish me discipline and drive 

Love,

A 

Ugh Voicebox

Was practicing the guitar and I'm so glad I'm almost done with state of grace and pumped up kicks. State of grace only consists of 2 chords lol until the bridge then Em comes in but thats easy too. The thing is I took videos of myself singing along and I don't like my voice.. It's so.. unappealing. It's like in tune the notes are there but the tone is just ugh. Maybe its cos I can't sing as well sitting down idk. I've never had that pop song kinda voice. I tried using my lower register like pushing the larynx down to get that black women ailee kinda voice its supposed to help so that you can reach high notes easier but then my voice becomes so yawny at the top range sometimes I can't even hit it with chest voice :(
I think I'm more cut out for choral singing than pop song singing.. I wish shiyu was still in choir then maybe she can teach me a thing or 2 bout proper singing. I'm sure with proper training everyone can sing. Prolly not as well as legends but still decent singing. Unless you're tone deaf.. then that's sad lol. And I feel paiseh for blasting at home then my fam can hear my horrible attempts at singing like a soulful black woman x__o
NEED A SOUND PROOF ROOM.
x x x x x x x x x

Something new, hopefully.

Hellooooo it's been so long since I last blogged and I changed my url cos quite a handful of ppl knew the old one and also cos nannynannywoo's no longer a major part of my life. It's a bittersweet memory, which is why I placed it at the little text thingy below my name in the headings. Kinda thing my new url sucks tho lol I can't think of anything else so.. I'll stick w this fr now.

I only told 1 person bout my new url cos I'd like this to be a place whr I can say anything w/o worrying i'd offend anyone x_o Also to rant bout missing someone w/o that person knowing.. ANW promos are over (This is pretty slow it was over like 2 weeks ago) I've not been doing much studying it's been all PW and CL. Tho Ray started w me on maclaurin's series I've yet to do the tut sigh.

My J1 year is almost over too, how time flies.. AJ has been alright for me. I def have more fun memories in Swiss but I hope I'll carry away fond memories of AJ as well when I graduate. My friends in AJ are really nice too, but y'know how ppl can be friendly and nice and at the same time not be ppl you click w/.. I'm just glad they're nice :o) I've also become a lil more competitive in AJ and I don't like this feeling. In Swiss it didn't matter if my friends were doing better than me, I set my own expectations and get sad/happy cos of meeting/not meeting them. How the rest of the class did was irrelevant. I guess why it is how it is now is cos the class's smaller and the environment itself is pretty competitive. I can't imagine how much more competitive the elite JCs are x_o Plus, moderation causes us to be even more competitive cos we're hoping that there are ppl who do worse than us (even if you don't wanna feel that way) Then again, I talked to dad and he said that in uni they do moderation all the time. JC really prepares us fr how things would be like in uni and ultimately the corporate world hm.

A friend of mine told me that she doesn't wanna go to NUS even if she had the pre-requisites cos her sis said the ppl thr are arrogant. I've never really agreed to all this remarks of not gg to a good school cos the ppl thr are said to be snobbish or whatev.. I mean like I have friends who're in NUS and they aren't snobbish. Sure, thr are ppl like that but I feel that it isn't always a bad thing to be exposed to them. In the future in our workplace we're def gna meet arrogant ppl who suck up to the big boss. We can't say "Oh I don't wanna join your company cos the ppl thr are all so arrogant" When you need a job once you're out from uni thats it you need a job! Also, being exposed to ppl like that in school can sorta 'train' you beforehand to say.. build up ur tolerance level/learning the smart things to say to them to get them to shut up lol/how to work w/ them in projects. If we've never communicated w such ppl at a younger age when we're in the workplace I'm certain it'll be SO much more irritating.

What else is there to say hm.. Oh yeah I had an emotional breakdown yest trolol. It's pathetic now that I think bout it. I just found out tdy that my net leader's dad who's suffering from cancer had just been told that he has 4 more months to live. Idk why but when I think bout things like this that's happening to my friends I feel that I shouldn't be sad over the puny things in my life. Someone else is having it worse. Ofc it doesn't mean that we don't have the right to be sad/disappointed. Just that it's not healthy to keep dwelling on it. I feel so contradictory now when I think of the times I feel down cos I miss u BUT im def learning to let go. LET GO LET GOD.

I've not been living a very Godly life. Ppl can just say they're christians but what truly makes us christians? Christian means "little christ" btw, it means to be Christ-like. To live the life that Jesus lived. To lay our burdens down at God's feet. Exchange our hurt for His love. To have a RELATIONSHIP w/ Jesus. I know and I've experienced and seen what God can do in ppl's lives. I've been touched by God but I always fall into sin and not praying/reading the bible daily. Saying you're a christian isn't just bout gg to church every Sunday. It's a lifestyle. Like how when you say you're a singaporean you live a Sgean lifestyle you know the language(singlish) you know the kind of food that's available here. In the context of Christianity you know the language (of speaking in tongues) and you know the kind of food us Christians have to take to stay close to God (spiritual food)
Honestly, being a Christian is full of struggles and it is downright tough. Esp when you're ard non christians and ppl who give earthly advice.. But by the grace of God everything will work out fine.

Something I learnt from service today: "Peace is not the absence of fear/problems/uncertainty. It is the presence of God." So even when you're facing problems in your life you can still have peace in your hearts if you commit those problems to God. If you TRUST that He has a plan for you and that plan is always good.

I'm sorry this is such a lengthy post w/o pics.. I'll put in more pics next time. Just filled w/ words cos they're stuff that's been bugging me recently. Other than that.. I'm done here. :o)

X,
meeeeeelia