Ok

Cried so much today I hope I don't wake up with puffy eyes tmr. I failed my driving test bc I mounted the kerb quite early on in the test and I have never mounted the kerb while doing directional change before so that was a shocker. 200 bucks gone like that. I'm gonna try again after A levels.. I did everything well during the warm up and I just had to screw it up during the actual test. Idk why I started thinking about other things like how my mom would keep saying things like "Joyce (cousin) so smart hor her parents don't have to worry about her." "I can see from lanjia's eyes that she's very intelligent" "oh she definitely can pass her driving test one" nothing to be sad about I totally after with what she says but idk why I feel so inadequate and lousy. I don't want to feel this way.. On the way home I just kept thinking about how I was as a person compared to everyone else I knew. Am I smart? Nope. Am I hardworking then? Not as much as others. Do I have a talent to make up for my lack of brains? I'm an ok dancer an ok singer so not really. Do I have an attractive personality? To a few maybe? I'm not a human magnet people don't get drawn towards me. And then I thought of what I would prolly hear from church "You're a daughter of the most high" but then there're girls who're active members of the church, they lead worship and have stellar grades in school and play sports well. 

This is a very unnecessary, lousy post ranting about how undeserving I feel. I'm such an ok person filled with so many extraordinary dreams I now am certain I can never turn into reality. I always fall short of my goals in life. Psle, o levels, school choices.. I always settle for 2/3 best. What's to say for my A levels and uni applications lol. 

This is also why I can envision myself being single for a very very long time. Who'd love a girl who doesn't even love herself.